Titles for Unwritten Monologues, Open Letters, and Lists I Will Likely Never Submit to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Nor Indeed Ever Write (Developing Story)

Letter: Regretfully, Mercury Retrograde Demands That We Postpone Your Wart Removal

List: 88 Ways to Please Your Plumber

Monologue: I’m a Bisexual Astrophysicist: Why, Yes, My Moon Is in Pisces

Poll: Did You Brush Your Teeth This Morning? Really?